Why Did You Doubt?
Learning to Trust God When Fear Feels Louder Than Faith
Nighttime was always the hardest.
At five years old, I would be tucked in tightly, bedtime prayers whispered, covers pulled to my chin, and goodnight hugs given. The hallway light spilled through the cracked door, just the way I liked it. Everything was safe from this cozy, tucked-in spot.
Still, I would call out, “Did someone lock all the doors?”
It became part of the nightly routine of our home. Sometimes once. Sometimes three times. I always knew the answer would be yes. My parents were faithful to the routine they knew was coming.
It wasn’t that I didn’t feel safe. But even then, I understood that the world outside the walls of our home was outside of my control. I had already learned the tension of living in a world where other people’s harmful choices could affect you. And if someone were to break in, at least I had done my part to prevent it. At least I had asked. At least I had checked.
Even as children, we find our ways of gripping for control in a world that is filled with outcomes we cannot predict and people we cannot manage.
In many ways, I have never really grown out of wanting the door to be locked. I still ask; I still check.
The Fears That Stay
Some fears don’t leave us, they grow with us, revealing our core fears as we grow older.
The fear of someone breaking in reshaped into fear of outcomes: Fear of the future, fear of uncertainty, fear of uncomfortability, fear of the unknown – all fears we feel in a broken world. Often times, they are much bigger than tucked-in blankets and locked doors.
Fear is an emotion we struggle to contain because it so often spirals out of what we can maintain. Fear is something we as humans avoid at all costs.
Often when I am feeling anxious with fearful thoughts, I walk alone, ashamed to let God know I doubt His sovereign control. Because of that, I feel I must suffer silently and independently. But I know this is not the God I serve. He created me for a relationship.
What relationship wants the other person to suffer alone?
Matthew 14 – Jesus Walks On Water
In Matthew 14, chaos breaks loose at the murder of John the Baptist, a man who is praised for his ability to lead people to know God. Imagine the fear, knowing this guy did great things for the Kingdom and even he was murdered. There was grieving and questioning of why God allowed this to happen, and fear settles on people, knowing that if this could happen to him it could also happen to them.
After this, Jesus withdraws to a desolate place to be on His own (verse 13). He got in His boat and went away from the crowds and weight of what had just happened.
Even Jesus struggled.
But there is a difference between His struggle and mine. The difference is that when Jesus withdrew, He was in the presence of His Father, a holy God. When I withdraw, it is to spiral with my persistent fears.
Jesus withdrew to have peace. I withdraw to have more anxiety.
The disciples got in a boat to head home, and a storm comes. The wind was powerful and the waves strong. In the midst of chaos, they see someone coming towards them, appearing to be walking on the water.
Jesus appears, walking on the very thing that threatens them. And Peter, in all his boldness, calls out and steps onto the water with Him. I wish I had the faith to even call out.
“But when he saw the wind, he was afraid…” verse 30. Fear rushes back in, and he takes his eyes off Jesus, arms flailing, anxiety spiraling. “And beginning to sink he cried out, ‘Lord, save me.’” He started sinking when his focus started shifting.
Peter knew relying on his fears wouldn’t save Him – only the Lord had that power.
In that moment, Jesus didn’t shame Peter. Instead, He reached out his hand and lifted him out of the very fear that would destroy him.
He asked one simple question: “Why did you doubt?”
It’s a question we will circle back to our entire life. Why do we doubt? Why do we question if the Creator of life can’t also be trusted to be the director of our circumstances?
We act as if doubting is our way of protecting, but it’s not keeping anyone safe, it’s adding more worry to our circumstance.
Fear loosens its grip when trust comes in.
God doesn’t want us to walk alone. Rather, He invites us to walk with Him through the storms that scare us most. When we feel like we’re sinking too low to be saved, He doesn’t stand at a distance and let us sink.
He’s there holding His hand out and pulling us up.
That’s the kind of God He is.
One Comment
Karan Wingate
I’m amazed with the words you write. So deep, yet so simple. I can relate to everything you write.