The Year 2019

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I’m flipping through the pages of my journal from 2019; and sometimes, I wonder why certain pages have to be written in there. 

I read through my book, and some of it’s good.  Some of it tells stories of peace and freedom, but some of it tells stories I want to erase every word of and bury deep in a place where no one can find it- where I can’t find it.  I’m tempted to write a new book because that’s easier than re-reading it and admitting to other people that what’s written on the pages is, in fact, true.

2019 was the year of heart break.  The year of hurt.  The year of physical and emotional pain.  The year of deep anxiety and confusion.  The year I definitely don’t want to remember.  Evidence of a heavy heart and unsettled emotions are etched along some of the pages.  The pages show images of sleepless nights and days of unrest.  The pages show weeks, sometimes months, of pleading and begging on my knees before the Lord to take it all from me. 

The pages show the unspoken question but obvious theme of asking “why?”  Why did I have to make changes from places I was comfortable in to places I couldn’t see the outcome of?  Why did I have to be trapped for months in an emotionally abusive relationship?  Why did I have to deal with the debris of shattered confidence and failed trust that came from that toxicity? 

I spent a lot of my time in 2019 trying to figure out the answer to so many of my “why’s.” It was time wasted because I never could find the answers, and I never will.  Some years are just too difficult to comprehend.  Some years are just too difficult to read the pages of. The truth is, I want to rip out the pages that have the question “why” written on it.

I wrote these thoughts of wanting to rip out every page two days before I went to Passion in Atlanta where 65,000 college students learn from some of the best Christian leaders.  On the second night, Louie Giglio preached his message using the metaphor that we all have a book with our story from 2019 in it. 

We all have a book that has pages that are difficult to turn.   A book we don’t want to read again.  A book that has chapters of defeat, anxiety and shame.  But God takes the heavy pages of our book, and He turns them for us.

He turns the pages of our story from tears and grieving to joy and gratitude.  He turns the pages of whispered prayers to answered prayers.  He turns the pages of confusion to pages of peace.  He turns the pages of trembling to pages of stillness.  He takes my book of anxiety and fear and writes stories of redemption and peace.  He turns the pages of a tear-soaked journal and starts a new page because He’s the author, and He has a really good story to write. 

Thank goodness my story of 2019 has His sovereign name written all over it.  That makes it all worth it.

And it’s not just another page with the same words we’ve been writing.  It’s a page with words HE is writing!  *Talk*about*Jesus*speaking*to*you.* These are the moments you realize how big our God really is when He takes the exact metaphor I had written in a place of defeat and turned it around to speak truth over my heart.  He declares VICTORY and REDEMPTION over my past.  He’s writing a book for HIS name and HIS glory.

God is turning the pages of our story to something beautiful for HIS purpose. 

It’s here that I realize I can’t have a story without all the pages.  I can’t have a story without the journey that explains the battles I’ve overcome, the lessons I’ve learned and the process that brought me strength.  

The beautiful thing is that God is still writing my story, and He will keep writing it until He declares it is finished!!!

It’s in these pages that I got to know Jesus as a giver of peace, comfort, protection and healing; not just someone I occasionally go to when I need something.  I got to speak to Jesus intimately and intentionally, sharing my deepest fears and darkest thoughts; not just speak to Him out of routine.  And I got to experience His love for me when I had to figure out what love wasn’t.  He showed me that His love will sustain me. 

I found who I was when I quit looking at how my story was written and started looking to the Author of who was writing it.  I started trusting in His goodness and faithfulness to carry me through.

The really cool thing about this is that my story and your story isn’t meant to be hidden or thrown on a shelf.  It’s meant to be SHARED! 

God loves me enough to write stories that may be filled with pain, but that He is faithful in redeeming and rescuing me through.  He is faithful in using our stories to help others come to know Him and help them through similar struggles.  We have to show our pages to others so He can receive the glory.

My book in 2019 was difficult, but my story isn’t over.  My book isn’t finished.  It’s time for a new chapter to be written in 2020.  One where Jesus is the author, and I am just the pen writing what He wants.  It could have more pain and hurt written in it, but it doesn’t even matter because He is going to turn it into VICTORY!

I flip through my journal and see the hard chapters.  But I also see my God on every page.  I see where He was walking with me through it, He’s walking with me now and He will continue to walk with me into 2020.

I’m surrendering my own strength, and I quit writing with my own hand.  I give up trying to turn the pages myself and trying to write my own story.

I know the Author of my story for 2020.  And I know it’s going to be a good one.

“Jesus answered him, ‘What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.'” John 13:7

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