The Power In Prayer

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I open the journal long enough to scan the pages and slam it shut.  It was painful.  Entries of frustrated thoughts were scribbled on the lines of the paper inside.  A few mascara smudges that had dripped off my cheeks and stained the paper were evidence of the frustration.  They were entries from a season of life I don’t wish to go back to and reading my thoughts during that time was a quick reminder of it.  It’s never easy to look back at moments when someone hurt us.  It’s never easy to see the patterns of manipulation used and the way our hearts played as puppets to it.

After going through these entries, I opened my prayer journal.  I read countless prayers lifting this person up through that difficult season.  I see pages of pouring out my heart to God and pleading for change through the hurt and change in their heart.  It never came- at least I don’t think it has yet.  It’s here that I’m reminded, in the aftermath of it all, that this person still needs a place in my prayer journal.  It’s here that I realize if they could dig wounds deep enough to leave scars on me, they must have some pretty deep wounds themselves.  Praying for them helps me understand that their need for Jesus is just as great as my need for Him.

I still hear those hurtful words, and I still let them get to me.  Not all the time, but sometimes (read my story on rejection here for a quick background).  I hear them echoing through my mind when I’m turning up the radio to drown out the memory of yelling that came through the phone.  I hear them when I close my eyes and flashbacks I’ve tried hard to forget are blown up as large as a movie screen in my head.  It’s rare moments when I hear those harsh words, but it still happens. 

Prayer can be a really hard thing in the midst of pain.  It can also be a really powerful thing in the midst of pain.

Praying for someone is a selfless act of humbly going before God in a way that recognizes He is in control over a situation that is desperately in need of Him.  Praying acknowledges that God has the ability to change someone’s heart in ways I can’t see possible and in ways only He can do.

The role I play in His plan is to make the intentional effort to recognize prayer will fix more than bitter feelings ever will.  I can’t rely on my emotions to tell me how to react because that will never lead to any lasting change.  It could lead to words that should never come out in the first place and flow with a rant that could go on for days.  My emotions tell me to be angry, to be sad, and to question why it had to be me that went through it.  This is where I have the opportunity to pause and pray.  Freedom wasn’t found in the control that person tried to have over me.  Freedom isn’t found in holding onto bitterness or resentment.  Freedom is found in surrender to Jesus, knowing He will work everything for His good (Romans 8:28).  He can make the change I pray for.

When I pray, I’m surrendering my hurt to the One who knows the hairs on my head, the freckles on my skin (I have a lot so stick with me) and every thought that runs through my mind.  If I can trust that He knows me that intimately, I can trust Him to heal a crushed heart.

Prayer restores, protects and repairs. It shifts my hardened heart that’s centered on my emotions to a softened heart that realizes I need to lay down the bitter, lay down the stubbornness, and pray.

When I change my thoughts, I can change my reactions.  I wish my initial reaction reading those journal entries was to pray.  It wasn’t until I read my prayers that were written during a time of desperation that I was reminded of the peace, discernment and clarity I had when those thoughts were lifted up and in God’s control.  I want to have the reaction to speak life over pain and freedom (I wrote about freedom here) over the past.  That’s done through prayer.  

When I find myself getting a bitter taste on the tip of my tongue, that’s when I realize maybe I need a change of heart too.  And this isn’t easy.  Oh my gosh it’s not easy.  Our feelings are valid, and it’s important to acknowledge that it’s okay to be upset and hurt.  But there also comes a time when we need to move along and just pray for the person (and ourselves).  This is the result of living in a fallen world with fallen people- and the fallen people are human…like myself.

Pain can be a hurtful reminder of seasons we’ve walked through and people we’ve walked away from.  Pain can be a trigger of unwanted emotions and a reminder of healing.  As much as it can bring aching to our souls, I know God has a plan for that pain.  God can use it to bring redemption to people’s lives and completely change their hearts- and our prayer is making a difference in that.

And though I’m still trying to put together some pieces left of that hurt, I’m closing that journal and starting a new one.  I’m ripping out the pages of bitterness, anger and resentment.  I’m writing a new journal that’s lined with grace, forgiveness… and prayer.

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