My thoughts on "Single. Dating. Engaged. Married." - Live Loved

I sunk into the cushions of the couch and pulled the blanket over my knees to snuggle closer. I needed a little comfort to cover the discomfort I was beginning to feel from reading the words so permanently written in the typewriter print. My fingers lingered over the corner of the page, eager to turn and read the next chapters.

The paperback in my hands was filled with text underlined, phrases circled, paragraphs highlighted and- every once in a while- a few arrows with squiggly lines and exclamation points to mark a section I related to a little too closely.

I sat stunned for a minute, allowing the words to sink in. I wondered how the lines in this book spoke the truth I didn’t know I needed to hear while healing places of my heart I didn’t realize needed healing.

The book “Single. Dating. Engaged. Married.,” by Ben Stuart was becoming a favorite, though, not for the ways it affirmed me with a pat on the back for a job well done. It was a favorite for the way it did just the opposite.

God does speak to us in ways we never see coming.

Conviction isn’t the word I thought I would use to describe a book with a majority of the title seeming to be about things I don’t have much experience with. Dating? Nope. Engaged? Heck no. Married? Haha. Only one of the words in the title described the stage of life I’m in. But here I was slowly wrestling through the hard revelations of the written opinions that I learned was oh so true.

I didn’t read the book because the pages are full of comforting promises about always being happy and content. I didn’t read the book because it confirmed that the plot of every early 2000s romantic comedy was accurate and realistic- it actually did the opposite (no matter how badly I was secretly counting on them being true).

I didn’t entirely know what the book was about. I heard from a friend (Sadie Robertson- does anyone else casually claim celebrities as their friends, or is this just me?) that it was good; and I figured I would read it in case I needed the information, you know, for the future.

Page after page, I read through the truth unveiled and deeply explained. It isn’t a book I need for the future- this is a book I need NOW. It applies to people in every stage of life (hence the title) for every type of relationship- not just romantic ones.

Here’s what I learned about each of the four stages of relationships from the book:

Singleness- It’s a gift. Singleness is to be a time for living in the freedom God has given us for His Kingdom. This freedom should be valued and appreciated for the gift it is. Accept and use the gift of freedom to make an impact on others. Ben Stuart says, “Life is short…[W]hen we look at men and women in the world, we should be far more concerned about their soul than their relationship status” (page 26). If that doesn’t make you squirm, I don’t know what will.
Dating- It’s a time for intentionally getting to know the other person on a more personal level. It’s a time to talk about morals, values, things you like and don’t like. Dating is to be about having conversations matched with actions that will help us discern if the other is compatible to serve alongside in life. Boundaries are a big part of the dating process, and Ben explains those boundaries in-depth to give us a better grasp of what that looks like and how to set them- and keep them.
Engaged- Engagement is about a union. It’s learning and discerning in this stage so you can be better prepared for the next stage. Ben argues it’s probably the hardest of all stages because you have the promise of marriage without the benefits of it.
Married- Marriage is a picture of Jesus and the church- not a big-picture Hollywood film. Marriage is a bond between a man and woman that God has designed so that both people can live on mission together to serve God’s Kingdom. I love how Ben describes a woman’s role to submit and a husband’s responsibility to sacrifice. It’s beautifully explained, and it changed my whole view (and attitude) on a wife’s role of submitting to her husband, which can be a touchy and difficult subject.

Similar truths kept being slowly revealed through the words on the pages in front of me. My eyes began to open to areas where I allowed previous experiences to cloud my current judgment in every type of relationship I encountered- and that convicted me.

Previous damage from the past kept me from living vibrantly in the present. I thought what I experienced personally was more accurate than what God designed sufficiently.

We may not realize we are acting and forming defensive habits, but subconsciously we begin to believe the past trauma to be true of current and future circumstances, and it’s not.

When I think about it, everyone has reactions that they have formed from fear of previous experiences that leave us bitter, angry and jaded. We let fear, personal feelings, and emotions influence our perspective instead of letting God’s Word lead our relationships.

For a period, I acted more from my reactions of fear (based on previous bad relationships) rather than viewing relationships how God designed: innocent, pure, joyful, all the fruits of the spirit. And not that my experience can’t teach me something- I believe everything we go through is for a reason, and God uses each of those experiences to grow us. However, when I rely on past experiences and my feelings more than I do on God and what His Word says, my heart continues to harden. I can’t see things from God’s perspective or through His eyes.

The hard places of our hearts need to be mended in the broken places we’ve been ignoring for too long.

When we find ourselves in this place, we need to look at all things through God’s eyes. Look through His lens, not your own. When I look through my lens, I see a distorted perspective of hurt, anger, unforgiveness, toxicity, and things that will only cloud/blur my vision. When I look through God’s lens, I see with forgiveness, grace, mercy, love, purity, wholesomeness. I can see the design He created.

I can see where He’s erased my jaded, scratched lens and traded them in for something more clear- something newer. Surrendering our relationships to God is His will for us, so that He is at the center.

At the end of the book, we read that all of these stages- single, dating, engaged, or married- should accurately reflect our relationship with Christ, which is the most important relationship of them all.

To love Christ is to love His people. We can’t love His people if we don’t approach relationships with pure intentions and a clear lens.