Just be Held
Sometimes we get caught up in what will happen in our next step that we neglect to see what we need for the step we’re on now. We neglect to see that all we really need is to be held.
It was the summer of 2018. I yanked the white envelope from the mailbox as the tires spun the rocks, slipping out of our gravel driveway and pounding onto the heavy pavement of our road. My heart beat rapidly, and a smile spread fast across my face as I stared down at what was sitting in my lap.
The envelope was addressed to me, but I knew that. The colors lining the envelope was proof enough. It was my UF admission letter. My fingers shook holding the evidence of something I thought was quite impossible to be existent.
Up until this point, I informed everyone (who asked) that my plans were to go to USF after I finished community college. USF wasn’t hours away, it didn’t require me to figure out a new city, and it required little change. Sold.
So, when my family and friends consistently begged me to tour UF, I thought they needed to grab a Q-tip for their ears because they clearly weren’t listening to me.
It was the beginning of February when I silenced their nagging and booked a tour to the campus my friends came home always sporting the colors of. I hopped out of the car at the end of the two-hour drive, and my tour group walked the rest of the way under shaded trees as we passed by the massive red brick buildings that look ancient. They probably are. I slowly began to imagine myself dodging the other students who walked these sidewalks on the way to their 9:30 a.m. lecture.
I was confused more than anything. My plans were set on another college, my mind made up. But the appeal of USF seemed more distant the more I continued praying for discernment in making a college decision. I found my hardened heart growing softer to the idea of calling UF home. So, I applied.
Now, here I was, holding the university’s stationary with my name on it, about to open the glorious letter I’ve worked so hard for. I made a nervous peek over at my dad and tore into the envelope.
I scanned the letter for a sign of approval. My eyes glazed over the words “We regret to inform you….”
I got rejected. I didn’t get in.
The rejection was written all over my face. Tears streamed down my cheeks. The tears turned to heavy sobs, and my heart physically hurt. Why did this process have to be so hard? Hadn’t I done everything right to get in? I listened to God, changed my own plans and I was taking TWO six-week math classes for crying out loud!
I grabbed a take-out napkin from the stash my dad keeps in his truck. I dabbed at my makeup, leaving little evidence except for a few splotches where there was once makeup now wiped clean by the stream of tears.
I had to go to two events back-to-back, which means fake it till you make it. We drove to a graduation party; and after, we headed to my sister’s performance. I sat in the front row with a façade that said I was as happy as ever to be there, but my mind was somewhere else.
The sting of rejection felt beyond healing. I changed my wants and my desires to apply to that school. I spent months praying over this decision. If I had just stuck to what was safe and easy, I wouldn’t be feeling this way right now.
Why did God feel silent when it felt like I needed Him the most? I thought I heard Him loud and clear on this one. So, why wasn’t it working out even when I thought I followed Him?
I tried to solve the mystery I may never have answers to. I barely noticed the transition of one girl exiting the stage and a new one coming on. The familiar tune of a song I knew well made its way into my thoughts enough to catch my attention. It was a Casting Crowns song I’d heard on the radio before.
“So, when you’re on your knees, and answers seem so far away, you’re not alone; stop holding on, and just be held. Your world’s not falling apart it’s falling into place. I’m on the throne; stop holding on, and just be held.”
Just be held.
I left the room and wept.
The months leading up to this night, I felt overwhelmed with the debris from one obstacle after another crashing into me- my failed plans, the procrastinated application decision, a last-minute discovery of two required classes (both that seemed impossibly hard for me), and the hours I already spent bent over my calculator studying them.
In the middle of consuming pressure, that is what God chose to speak to me. He didn’t show me a lesson or tell me what I could have done differently or a better way I could handle it. It was in the moment I was feeling the weight of my disappointing failure,
He wanted me to just be held.
Held is a word so commonly used but has so much more power than we often give it.
The definition of “held,” according to the Oxford Dictionary, is to grasp, carry or support with one’s arms or hands. It also means to keep or sustain in a specified position; to embrace; and to be able to bear (the weight of a person or thing).
My job the past few months had been one of waiting to see the way the Lord would direct my steps. It was a job that felt like carrying the weight of a desire to succeed, the want to do the right thing and the pressure to make a decision that would forever impact my future. So, when I felt God leading me to go to UF, I acted on it. The way He was responding to my obedience? Not at all the way I thought.
My job now was to stop and pause. I no longer needed to carry the weight I had been dragging around for months. God was not only wanting to hold me, He was wanting to hold all of the other weights I was carrying too.
So, after that night I let myself be held. Instead of squirming to find answers, I gave up all the pressure, the confusion and the stress.
What does being held look like?
It looks like surrender. Surrender, for me in this situation, looked more like knowing God’s sovereign control over my college application; and that He holds the answer to every question even when I don’t have the answers to my current situation.
It looks like leaning into the peace God provides when we acknowledge He is more in control than us, and He is more capable of handling the situation than we are.
I would say my time of being held was more than just a time of uncertainty but a time of peaceful rest. It’s often in our times of uncertainty God has us right where He wants us- leaning into and trusting in HIM- not a future circumstance or achievement.
I called UF the next day and told them they made a mistake and needed to reconsider me. I explained to them that their records were inaccurate and needed to be corrected.
Weeks passed. I allowed myself to be held, leaning into the knowledge that God is sovereign; and He will put me right where He needs me. After many phone calls and emails exchanged, I heard back.
I got accepted! Go Gators!
There are going to be times we think we’ve done all the right things and obeyed God in all the right ways and life still won’t look the way we thought it would. There are going to be times He doesn’t want us to make any moves, He just wants us to stop carrying the weight of everything we’re holding onto ourselves. He wants us to lay it down at His feet and let Him take the load.
These are the times we need to pause and see the sovereignty of God and His faithfulness to carry us through a situation. Instead of relying on ourselves and our own strength, we need to recognize our need for Him and His strength. Sometimes, we need to stop carrying, and stop doing.
Sometimes, He just wants us to be held.
2 Comments
Ginger Houck
Beautiful Ashtlyn.
Ma
Beautiful, Ashtyn!