He Knows (Part 1)
I’ve never been very good at waiting.
My face was swollen and bright red with mascara streaks marked all the way down my cheeks. I hated it: my new town, new school, new “home” (I used to slip up and call it my hotel, which I can obviously laugh about now), all of it. I wanted to go to my real home in Plant City because it was familiar, comfortable and I was used to it. There was nothing new, nothing surprising, nothing that could hurt me.
My mind raced with a million “why’s?” Why did I have to move here? Why did God think it was a good idea to put me here- because it was painfully obvious to me that it wasn’t a good idea. Why couldn’t I be one of the people who immediately seemed to find their “place” and fit in? Why me, why here and why now? I didn’t want it, and I definitely didn’t trust it. I didn’t want to trust the plan I couldn’t see because it was risky. It disappointed me in ways that were not familiar, and it didn’t look how I expected it to.
September of last year I was tired- exhausted, actually. I was tired from faking the smile I would give people when they asked how I was doing. I was tired from the never-ending wave of assignments that kept crashing into any sleep I dreamt of getting. And I was tired from waiting.
I’ve never been very good at waiting. Nothing made sense, and I wanted answers.
“Be still.”
These are the only two words I kept getting every time I prayed. It was my word for the semester and something I was reminded of daily. I doodled it on notecards, hung it up on my wall, and my family reminded me of it at least five times a day because, as you know, I’m not very good at waiting… or being still.
If there was one fact I knew to be undeniable about God, it’s that His faithful hand had never wavered or dropped me in the past. I know He holds me in the palm of His hand. And I knew He wouldn’t drop me now. He placed me here for a reason even when it didn’t feel like it at all. He opened doors I didn’t know could be opened that led to me sitting here in my tiny new apartment. UF wasn’t even on my list of schools to transfer to until a few weeks before applications were due. But, somehow, I ended up here. I really didn’t believe for a second it was just by chance. The truth is, because He showed His faithfulness in getting me here, I knew He would be faithful in showing me His reasons. And that took guts to trust.
It’s September of this year, and I’m sitting on the balcony of my new apartment looking at the streets of Gainesville from a completely different perspective than I did last year. So much has happened between that semester of impatience and now. There is so much in that in-between. I’ve never been so thankful to have trusted something that seemed so shaky to begin with. I have an undeniable peace in my life that is matched with genuine happiness for where God has placed me. I know, polar opposite from last September. I now LOVE my sweet college town and the people I’ve gotten to know in it. I’ve woken up most mornings this semester filled with so much thankfulness that God worked in my life the way He did. Even though it was a hard season to go through, it was SO WORTH IT for the blessings He’s placed in my life now!
God has to take us through the tough times to get us to the good times. When we get to the good times, we can be even more thankful for it and give Him all the praise. And if anyone is in the tough time right now, waiting for answers or deciding if they should trust the unknown plan, I know how it feels. I’ve been there, and I feel you. Please don’t give up all hope. God is going to work in great ways in your life!
You just have to wait.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
I have learned a lot since last year and there are two main themes I held on to. I carried the importance of them with me into this year. The next two weeks I’m going to write on both topics to give a better glimpse on what they mean and dive deeper into what I learned from each of them. I’m a big believer that every season serves a purpose, and I’m thankful for God’s wisdom and how He works even my impatience for His good! Look for my post next Wednesday to see what it’s about!
3 Comments
Chad Harris
Once again a great piece. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing. God always has a plan and a reason for having you in a situation. Can’t wait until the next one.
Ginger Houck
Ashtyn, you are so beautiful and I love reading your posts. You will be a great asset where ever you may be, as God has great things planned for you. I understand why Karan and Donnie are so proud of you.
Karan Wingate
Oh my! I cried big ugly tears reading this. I fell for the fake smile. My heart breaks for what you went through. I am so excited for what’s ahead for you.