God is Good, But I Am Confused
The pressure increased, and the countdown ticked closer to zero. I was running through a stretch of unending hallway, a maze of doors opening and closing. The hallway looked familiar yet foreign; but this time, it wasn’t a casual stroll, and I still couldn’t find my way around.
Every corner brought me closer to hope, but the change in direction only led to dead ends. Direction can be difficult, especially when we do not know where we are going.
Loose strands of my ponytail came untucked as doors slammed in front of me, the wind fanning across my face. My heartbeat fell in sync with the creaking hinges of doors down the hall that made eerie echoes that lingered down the hallway – half-closed, half-opened.
Do I walk through or stay where I am? It was hard to tell, and my questioning cries drowned in the commotion of the packed space.
Overwhelming confusion settles when I realize I used to ride these halls on cloud nine, floating with the hope of endless possibilities and opportunities. The hallway acted as a red carpet, a premiere for the results I daydreamed about. The college I should attend, the major I should pursue, the town I should live in… all of these choices seemed difficult in the moment, but only positive outcomes would result. There was a sense of direction guiding me.
Now that I am older, and graduated, things are different – responsibility is different. My approach to the hallway changed. Cloud nine turned to aimless wandering, not knowing where to go or what to do. The dreams became tiring because I craved reality. Until I realized I didn’t like reality either. I just wanted my expectations of opportunity met.
All I saw, at first, were locks. Knuckles ached from knocking, feet grew tired from walking. I prayed that I would make the right decision, but the doors were harder to open, and silence overtook a busy hallway I expected God to answer in. He felt silent, and I felt frustrated. My feet stood paralyzed in my inability to make a decision.
Maybe it would be easier to pry my own door open…
I felt stuck. I didn’t know what to do, and I couldn’t hear God telling me what to do. At this point I was ready to run in any direction, but I knew this wouldn’t be right. I just wanted to make a decision and be done – no more lost sleep or stolen peace.
God is good, but I am so confused!!!!
I am sure you have found yourself in this position before – the vulnerability of the thought hitting you as hard as the slammed doors in your face. My words reflected my desire to follow God, but my expectation reflected a desire to follow my comfort. There was a desperate longing to stop the internal torture of fearful uncertainty.
I craved answers that I thought would make me feel like I had my life “together.”
This could not be farther from the truth. We often want to follow God, but we do not expect to endure the hard work it takes to complete His command. Sometimes, He opens the door, and we get to step in, and get to work. Other times, He has us wandering in the hallway. He’s going to use us in that hallway.
Wandering times are also waiting times, and God never wastes our time of waiting.
If we know God is good, and we know He is capable, then why do we not always trust that He will be capable of doing good things? To have specific answers, I believe this first begins with having specific prayers.
Praying to God allows us to talk to God in a way that lets Him see the deep desires of our heart. Yes, He already knows, but telling Him allows us to build a relationship with Him, which opens our eyes to see the ways He is using us and working (Philippians 4:6).
I am afraid that sometimes I get so distracted with my knocking that I drown out God’s voice and choose to listen to my own doubtful fears rather than God’s truthful promises.
My position of surrender must be stronger than my desire for the comfortable gratification that frees me of frustrating emotions.
– When David wandered from His pursuit of God while living in the Philistines, he returned from that life only to commit adultery and murder, and the consequences followed as a result. While he was waiting to see if his baby would survive birth, he mourned, but he also fasted. When he finally got an answer, it wasn’t the one he wanted, but he worshiped anyway. Even though David wandered, God’s plan was still in action. This is the God we serve, His mercy will prevail.
– When Moses murdered a slave, he fled to Midian. It wasn’t the best option, but it was a place to stay while he waited for the Lord to use him to lead the Israelites through the desert. This is the God we serve, His provision will prevail.
– When Joseph was thrown into the well, sold into slavery and spent years in prison for something he didn’t do. It wasn’t easy, but he finally became a powerful leader in Egypt . This is the God we serve, His justice will prevail.
These three people couldn’t see where God was taking them, but His plan still prevailed, and He still used them. God wants to use YOU even when you don’t know what door you are walking through!
Every prayer is seen and heard by God. He is the Maker, Builder and Carpenter of every door, and He has a special one for you to walk through. It may not be when you think or look the way you think, but it is designed with you in mind.
It may seem confusing and overwhelming, but God sees you; He hears you, and He wants you to open the door to receive all He has for you. You may still be wandering, but God has a place of rest. It may just take us a little wandering to find the right door.
I am still knocking on doors, and I think I always will be. I know I serve a big God who can open or close the doors at any time He chooses. Whichever one He does call me to go through, I know He will use it. He always has and always will.
One Comment
Ginger Houck
I really needed this as I feel I am just wandering in circles. Thank you sweetheart.