Did I Misunderstand?
I had my mind set, unwilling to waiver from what I thought would be a great idea. Determination and motivation prompted me to keep moving, though things were not quite how I expected them to be. Maybe I misunderstood…
The picture I paint of how I think things should be fails in comparison to the reality of things. It is a picture where the sun always shines, and every leaf on the tree is nearly perfect. I dream of a Hallmark movie narrative where everyone is happy and everything is good.
The fantasy this picture portrays is quite the opposite of actuality. I am tricked, for a minute, into believing I made the wrong decision when something doesn’t go quite the way I expected. Messy conflict isn’t the source of the perfectly drawn pictures or planned script for movies. It’s hard to see that the ending is good when I’m stuck in the thick of the conflict. I begin to think, maybe I misunderstood.
Perhaps I should have done things my way instead of the right way.
There have been several occasions when the way I thought something should be, looks different from how it turned out. Choosing what I know is best and what I want to be best are two very different and complicated situations. So, I write the situation off as “bad” because I feel unqualified to be used in a way that results in a “good” ending.
The first time that comes to mind was when I declared my decision to attend the University of South Florida. I informed everyone of this plan, unwilling to waver from the resolution. I graduate this December from the University of Florida, so ask me how that turned out. Because I had to change my plans, I knew that meant God was going to work through exciting opportunities and challenging adventures. My first semester at UF required more change than I anticipated. The days spent walking alone to class helped add extra room in my jeans, though it didn’t help the growing anxiety I continued to feel. The semester didn’t look as exciting or fun as I expected, and because of that, I began to think I made the wrong decision. Maybe I misunderstood.
I also think back to this past summer when I purchased a plane ticket, ready to travel across the world to Barcelona. I planned to spend the summer studying abroad in Europe for a month, but then a pandemic hit the world (and crushed my dreams)- the end of that idea. I sat staring out the window, looking at the cows from the seat of my couch instead of admiring the sunrise in the clouds from the seat of an airplane. It was the summer for canceled plans and shortened opportunities to learn in the writing class I signed up for- failure to live an epic summer of freedom and independence. The summer looked nothing like what I thought. Maybe I misunderstood.
The idea of how a situation should be lingers in my mind, and I can’t help but feel disappointed when that idea is exchanged for reality. The aggravation continues as though I think something good could never come.
Acts 9 shares the story of someone who experienced situations similar to what we go through when we feel this. Ananias, a disciple and firm believer in Jesus, shares emotions both relatable and familiar. He followed God and obeyed even when things did not seem easy, even when life did not look the way he thought it should.
The chapter begins with Saul (later named Paul) continuing in his efforts to persecute Christians. He threatened and murdered, sentenced and appointed. He oversaw the killing of those who proclaimed Jesus as their Savior, stopping at nothing to have them abolished.
One day, Saul was hit with a light from Heaven, which left him temporarily blind. He heard a voice asking, “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?” When Saul asked who was asking, the voice replied, “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting,” (verse 5). Then Jesus commanded Saul to go to Damascus and wait for instruction. So, Saul was carried into the city, obeying the One who commanded Him as if he hadn’t previously punished others for doing the same. Saul was without sight for three days after this encounter, neither eating nor drinking.
Ananias lived in Damascus, and he received a vision from the Lord. He responded, “Here I am Lord,” eager and willing to be used. His readiness astounds me. God tells Ananias to lay his hands on Saul so that he may go and preach the Gospel.
The initial eagerness to obey is gone, and now we see the hesitation. “Lord, I have heard many things about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints in Jerusalem,” (verse 13).
The excuse. The uneasiness. The fear. The refute for how Ananias could not have possibly heard God correctly. Maybe he misunderstood. Still, God tells Ananias to go “for he [Saul] is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel,” (verse 16). And Ananias went.
Ananias reminds me a lot of myself sometimes. Questioning, analyzing, reasoning why no good could possibly come, doubting and concluding all the ways this could go wrong. It can all lead to a stubborn argument for not following through on what I am commanded to do.
I imagine, if I were in Ananias’s shoes, I would march down, wanting to be obedient to authority but also declaring all the ways this could go wrong- arms crossed and attitude sour. I imagine the fear in the moments leading up to confronting Saul, anxious anticipation being a close companion, though, certainly not welcome. The reality of what could happen painfully made clear, stirring doubt. I am sure he changed direction, turning back around a few times to the comfort of what he knew, of what he wanted.
I pull out the excuses as though I have the receipt, and I can exchange what I have in hopes of something better coming along, something a little more of what I expected. Feeling unqualified, insecure, wondering how God could use this situation for good.
But oh, how He uses them. God is using every situation to draw us closer to Him and provide us with opportunities to tell others about Him.
If Ananias had chosen to settle and not follow in obedience to God, this would have devastating effects on the life of Saul and generations to come. Saul would not have heard his calling to ministry. Therefore, Saul would have never traveled around the world preaching the Gospel and telling others about Jesus. Saul would have never reached the people he reached, impacted the people he impacted, and led others to the transforming truth of the Gospel.
Saul would have never become Paul had it not been for Ananias’s willingness and obedience to say, “yes” to Jesus and lay aside his expectation for how he thought things should be. Let’s be real, I am sure Ananias would have much rather said, “I’ll pray for him,” and left it at that.
Ananias was not called to be comfortable. He was called to deliver the Gospel and heal Saul.
He chose courage over comfort. Ananias chose to let go of the perfect idea of the way things should be and grasped the reality that God is working towards something much bigger than comfort. What are you choosing?
Sometimes we are going to feel called to do things that do not seem good at the moment; but when we look back, we will be able to see how God was using it, using us, all along to fit His plan and further His kingdom.
Maybe sometimes we do misunderstand, but I think most of the time, it is just God using us in ways that are bigger than what we can comprehend. Choose courage over comfort- even if it does not make sense, even if it feels like you misunderstood.
One Comment
Ma
So very good. You inspire me.