I Still Have My Scars, and I Celebrate Them.
I ran my finger over the wound and felt the rising blister on the surface of my foot. An ember had leaped out of the fire I sat around the night before and wiggled its way inside my boot, piercing my skin and branding me with its heat.
The ember was tiny, but its effect made an obvious impact. A few days have passed, and all that is left is a blister and a distant recollection of how it got there and how it made me feel – evidence of the ember’s leftover presence. I guess this is the same with each of our own tragic experiences.
It is hard to think a wound is closed only to feel a constant struggle to keep it from opening again. It is harder to think you are fully healed and only have the ugly remains of a blistering scar to speak for it.
“The Year 2019,” is the headline of a journal entry I wrote from that year, and the sentences written are something I still struggle to endure because I have finally accepted the reality of them. Heartbreak is written between the lines of hopeful optimism and deep desperation as I grieved the loss of my trust in others and myself.
I regained the loss as I fought to win myself back. It’s 2022, and there are scars where the wounds once were. Sometimes I question that I actually won the fight if I still struggle. I still struggle to think that maybe because of the damage I once had, I will never be able to live freely from the damage it caused. I still struggle to think that maybe because I have a scar, the wound was never closed, and I am just completely broken.
Now, I clean up the bloody aftermath from the fight and bandage up the wound. I know these struggles do not determine the truth.
The process of progress is not perfect, but it is purposeful.
Healing looks different in different seasons. My process of healing may not look the way I expected. It is a process with no strategy I can control or a due date I can expect to complete. I cannot strategize or create a well-executed timeline for when I will be ok, but I also cannot attempt to heal when I refuse to deal with the struggle.
As I process all of this, I think of Joshua, who was the leader of the people of Israel as they attempted to claim their forever home in the Promised Land.
God commissioned Joshua to lead the people through the Jordan River to conquer Jericho and begin building their home. This home would be the place they could finally rest after traveling 40 years in the desert. I imagine the people dreamed of their home being a safe place, a place of rest and restoration. After all they had endured – wandering in the desert with hardly any food, crossing through a sea with thousands of people – surely, they deserved every ounce of their expectations to be met.
God had promised the people that He would deliver them to this land, but the people had to fight to get there. God continued to provide and meet the people’s needs. Joshua continued to lead the people, trusting God and honoring His commands every step they traveled.
Eventually, the Israelites conquered the city of Jericho, their Promised Land, and it was time to step into what God had for them. BUT it did not look the way the people expected. Rather than rest from the difficult circumstances, the people continued to fight despite their physical hindrances and emotional exhaustion. Conquering enemy territory was vital to keeping this land safe if they wanted to stay in their home. So, Joshua led the armies, and the battles continued.
Rather than focusing on the battle he was fighting, Joshua chose to focus on the God he was seeking.
I am sure Joshua had emotional wounds of exhaustion and fatigue. I am sure Joshua had physical scars that were reopened and pain.
God spoke to Joshua and said, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be freighted, and do not be dismayed. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go,” Joshua 1:9 (ESV). God did not speak this once or twice. He spoke this to Joshua at least three times reminding Joshua of His promise. God never commissions His people without confirming His promise.
It was because of Joshua’s wounds and physical scars placed on him that he saw the evidence where the Lord fought for him. This evidence gave Joshua hope for each battle because God had never left him, and He would not leave Joshua now.
God is fighting for us, and we can be dependent on Him to win. He uses our battles to show us more of His character. God is writing our story, and because He is always with us, there is every reason to celebrate.
I still have my scars, not fully healed but fully attempting to be, and I continue celebrating the ways God has wonderfully worked to bring me through each one of them. So I continue celebrating all those scars brought me – even when it is hard, and even when celebrating does not look the way I thought because I know my God is using those stories for GOOD.
We may not be fully healed, and we may still have scars. Yes, the scars are evidence of the pain we have gone through, but they are also evidence of God’s presence! He continues to write His story on the pages of our lives.
I can still run my fingers over the wound, but the blister is small and fading. You may have scars with a source much worse than an ember, but I promise one day those wounds will be fully recovered because God is fighting to heal every single one. For now, we can choose to see them as evidence of God being with us and not against us. Trust the process and live the purpose until the day we are completely whole in Christ.
Our scars are reminders of God’s purpose, and there is purpose in the process – and it is a beautiful one!
3 Comments
LaDonna
Love this! Beautiful!
LaDonna
Beautiful!! Love this!!
Montry thompson
So well written , you are such a deep thinker and I like that .