My story with counseling and why mental health is important

“I don’t want to do this,” I complained.

I sat in the driver’s seat as sweat ran its way down my back and reached my leg. It was hot. It was nearly the end of the year, and the sun was having no mercy on us that day. We were sitting in a parked car, engine off.

The waiting seemed endless. I was here; not because I wanted to be, but because I needed to be. It wasn’t the first time I found myself here. When I was in eighth grade, 14 years old, it was an established part of routine every week. My mom would be in the driver’s seat, attempting to reason why she dragged me here- the attempt not working. She did bribe me with Chick-fil-a though, and that seemed to work pretty well. The one-hour drive was full of silence and reluctancy; yet somehow, I found myself going back every week.

I’m a lot older now, old enough to make decisions for myself. So, why did I find myself back here again? I did bribe myself with Chick-fil-a after this was over, so maybe that was part of the reason. The real answer? A different season of life meant a different answer in life.

I stepped out of my car and walked inside. I sat down for another session of counseling.

It was a very unfortunate circumstance (aren’t they all if I found myself coming here in the first place?). I found it difficult to accept the fact that I was in this position. Like, come on. Do I really need to sit for an hour to talk about *rolls eyes* my feelings?! I’ve been handling myself pretty well the past few months dealing with the issue. No help needed here.

But deep down, I knew that wasn’t true. I could talk to my family until I ran out of breath, but they couldn’t snap a finger and solve my problems for me no matter how bad they wished they could. My stubborn self knew that no matter how hard I tried or how long I pushed it off, I couldn’t keep handling it alone.

So, just as my parents dragged me to counseling when I was 14, I dragged my 20-year-old self to counseling.

The circumstances were vastly different between the two times I went to counseling, and the age difference was quite a few years. I was still surprised to find similar thoughts and emotions I thought I would have outgrown still going through my mind.

Before I made the decision to come, there were many lies I told myself and held too tightly to in hopes of wanting them to be true.

First, I wanted to believe that I could solve the problems I created for myself, by myself. I didn’t want to ask anybody for help, and I wanted to take care of my problems alone. Some of it is pride, but a lot of it is just stubbornness.

Second, I wanted to believe that there wasn’t really a problem to be fixed in the first place. There was nothing “wrong” with me. Any issues I had I could talk about with my family and friends. I was above needing help from someone I didn’t know who I have to pay to talk to. Also, if I just ignore it, the feelings will go away.

Well, I tried for a few months to shove my feelings away so that I wouldn’t think about them. They always seemed to resurface worse than when I originally felt them. I guess that’s proof this method doesn’t work.

I also found that going to family doesn’t always work when there’s feelings that leave you speechless and hopeless. A smile and a hug doesn’t fix the trauma from a toxic relationship or hurting heart. Family is such an important part of going through tough seasons, don’t misunderstand me. I am so thankful to have the family I do to listen and offer advice when needed.

But sometimes our deep wounds need more care and attention than the temporary band-aids that just fall off a few hours after we stick them on.

My biggest fear with counseling is that it requires my trust of someone else. In the past, it required someone I didn’t know to get close enough to see all the things I didn’t like about myself. Now, it requires someone else getting close enough to know all the things I went through that I don’t like I went through. That person might even judge me for having the problems I do. It’s a place that requires vulnerability and trust- two things I’m not very good at giving.

If I’m going to a counselor, that gives more evidence that the situation I like to pretend didn’t happen actually did. I would rather not talk about it. But if I like to pretend it didn’t happen then why am I here?

If someone could get close enough to me to know my problems, they could see the mess I was really going through instead of the cover I put on for everyone else. Someone else could see my insecurities, and they would make me talk about the things I simply don’t!! want!! to!! talk!! about!!!

If someone could get close enough, they could see how broken I really was.

I think that’s why we quickly shrug off the need to ask for someone else’s help. We listen to the stereotypes associated with counseling, the vulnerability that comes with it and the submission it takes to release our emotions into someone else’s hands.

The negative connotation of counseling wrongfully prides us on thinking we are above it or thinking it’s for someone else. We fail to see that the thing we have placed such a negative connotation on is the thing that can actually save us. We aren’t better than or above it. It’s made for normal people (you and me) who just need someone else’s help.

Just as we have to hand over our trust to a counselor, we can also trust God to be the ultimate healer in our life. We can release our emotions into His hands because He is the ultimate Healer, Protector, Comforter, Peace and Giver of freedom. He is the One with all the answers, the One we can go to when we’re struggling and the One who can bring healing to our brokenness.

However, this does not mean that we neglect the resources He has given us. He’s specifically given us the resources, such as counselors, that we can use and take advantage of.

The seasons I walked through of counseling, though different, both taught me so many valuable things. I learned how to process the emotions I’m feeling in a healthy and more tangible way than feeling I have no control over them. I learned how to identify the unhealthy patterns in my thinking and train my thought pattern to be constructive not destructive. I learned how to take hard pasts I’ve struggled through, trauma I’ve dealt with, and people I find hard to forgive; and I learned to change the way my thoughts drift to something healthy and positive.

The main point I’m making: It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to have problems. It’s okay to not have it together all the time. It’s okay to not be okay!

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength that you are admitting you cannot handle something on your own. Too often we tell ourselves we can handle it on our own because that’s exactly where our enemy wants us- alone, in isolation.

Isolation is where our thoughts can get the best of us and our weaknesses can overwhelm us. We were not made to walk through things alone. We are made to walk through them with others. We need people in our life who can walk beside us through difficult seasons.

If you’re walking through a difficult season, whether it’s devastation from hard circumstances, hurt from a relationship/friendship, a traumatic experience, a body image issue, an abusive relationship- get help. Don’t be afraid to seek guidance. You do not have all the answers, and you never will. It is okay to not be okay. Go to counseling.

When you do reach for help, you’ll see all along that you aren’t broken for having problems. You just needed a little help from someone who’s in the business of fixing.

*P.S. If you ever have any questions about seeking professional help, message me, and I would love to help you find someone!