It’s okay to not be okay
I hung up the phone and slammed it down on my bed. The news I had just heard was the last thing I wanted to hear. I struggled the rest of the day to concentrate.
I was in shock, anger; and, I didn’t want to admit it, but I was sad. The situation brought to surface fears and doubts I had buried deep in a hole and sealed shut because I didn’t want to deal with them.
I have a bad habit of pushing away emotions I don’t want to feel.
It makes sense I would push away feelings that are negative and not the most fun to experience. I strive to see the best in every situation even when it’s hard to find it. I was dealing with fears that were even harder to process now because I chose not to deal with them in the first place.
I wasn’t just mad at the situation. I was mad at myself. I was supposed to be over things like this by now, according to the timeline I drew up for myself in my head.
I worked for months to not let these things get to me. It wasn’t supposed to bother me because I’ve moved on, and life is good. So why was I struggling so much now with this? Why would the lump in my throat not go away and the urge to run away from anything I pretended wasn’t there still exist?
I had fears. Fears that bring back insecurities. Fears that bring shame. Fears that I haven’t had to deal with but certainly still affect me.
At first, I buried myself in projects. I went grocery shopping, I cleaned my room, I had an intense workout, and I even made a list of all the other things I could be doing to distract myself. I buried my thoughts with distractions in an attempt to shovel the fears down even deeper since the hole obviously wasn’t deep enough the first time.
I avoided my problems because I didn’t want to give them any more power over me. I didn’t want any more time and energy spent towards them. I wanted to be okay. I wanted to move past it. I was determined not to give it any more reason to steal my peace because it didn’t deserve it.
While it’s important to not let lies hold any power over our lives, it’s also important to recognize that our fears are real, they are valid and they need to be dealt with.
Instead of talking to God about them, I tried to ignore it. Instead of handing it over to God, I tried to handle it myself. I wanted to deal with things my own way, in my own strength.
I let the pride and stubbornness of thinking I needed to have it all together keep me from doing what would have healed me in the first place: admitting I struggle with things and surrendering it to God.
When I was faced with the reality that I don’t need to have it all together, I realized that it’s okay to not be okay.
There are going to be moments when we struggle. There are going to be moments when we wonder if what we’re upset about is worth it or if we’re just unreasonably emotional (it might be a little bit of both for me sometimes LOL).
We need to give ourselves grace. We need to admit we are struggling instead of telling our prideful hearts that we should have it all together. Problems that are pushed away don’t result in peace. It’s a temporary fix that leads to a permanent problem when it’s not fixed. Handing it to God gives a temporary problem to a powerfully healing God. I can’t deal with things in my own strength, but I can deal with it in His.
So, what do we do when we aren’t okay?
Separate ourselves from the things going on around us and take time to seek truth. I spent days reading through scripture. I held a light to my fears and struggles by writing each one out where I could see it. I compared the fears I wrote to what God says is true in scripture. The conclusion I came to when I did this?
When we allow our fears to be more in control of us than God, we give power to our fears. When we allow God to be in control of our fears, we give God power over our fears.
I saw His promises for me. I saw where He tells me He is healing and restoring me. Trust God to fight the battles we can’t fight on our own. It’s okay to not to be okay. Seek His power and strength to get through it.
We’re all a little broken. We all have scars we try to cover up and wounds that haven’t completely healed yet. It’s okay to not have all your pieces back together yet.
*I’ve written a little about fear (click here), but I needed to write this as a reminder for myself.
“The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
One Comment
Ginger Houck
Thank you for sharing. You are such a precious young lady beyond your years. Love you.