Free
I placed the package on the counter and started picking at the duct tape wrapped around the outside. I didn’t remember ordering anything so I was a little skeptical about what I would be getting when I looked inside.
I opened the box, and a gold bracelet with my words were engraved in the middle.
I choose a word each semester that I want to intentionally work on for the following four months. It’s usually a word that reflects the purpose of what I want to do and who I’m growing to be.
I chose free.
The past year can bring up conversations that share a story of hurt that are strung with bitterness and traced with rejection. This week had challenging moments in dealing with memories of the past as my mind wrestled with emotions that consumed my week more than my assignments did. Each time I gave into the temptation to remembering past hurt, my emotions only led to frustration, sadness and anxiety.
The past can be a conversation that’s hard for a lot of people to talk about. There are seasons we’ve walked through we hope to never walk again, situations we’re reminded of that had bad results, and people whose hurt make us want to block out every memory that exists with them.
But the past can also be a conversation we turn into a story about God’s work in our life and His purpose in our hurt.
Free is my word this semester because I’m choosing to walk away from painful circumstances and people who hurt me to embrace the purpose in those seasons. I’m choosing to lay the hurts that weigh me down in surrender to a God who gives peace and healing through my difficult memories.
I realized I was struggling too hard to fight battles God has already won for me.
I’ve struggled with hurt that comes from feeling like I’m not good enough for someone. The pressure to meet expectations and then the disappointment that comes when you realize you will always fall short of what they want. I bought into the lie I couldn’t measure up.
I chose freedom when I walked away from that. I found my confidence in knowing I am loved by a heavenly Father who welcomes me. He knows all the ways I fall short, and He still chooses to graciously love me and use me for His purposes and His glory.
I’ve struggled with hurt that comes from expectations I set for myself. What I thought would be and what actually is are at war with each other as I compare the two. When I think about the direction I thought I was supposed to go and where I ended up, it can be hard to not look at the situation with confusion and a little bit of sadness.
I chose freedom when I changed my perspective. Where I see delayed promises, God sees circumstances orchestrated by Him. Where I see unfulfilled expectations, God sees a reason. Where I see confusion, God sees protection because His hand was over my situation the entire time.
I’ve struggled with thinking I need to figure things out my own way. I get so caught up in doing it how I want that I neglect the path God already has paved for me. I trade His path for one that looks pretty but only gets me lost. Comfort can be my worst enemy.
I chose freedom when I obediently followed after God instead of choosing to stay where it’s familiar and convenient for me. When I did this, I saw that God was patiently waiting for me the entire time I was finding my way back to His path. Freedom is obedience and giving up what looks best in the moment for what God knows is best for eternity.
In the middle of what is and what was, I’m reminded that God protects; and He restores. His sovereignty reigns over every part of my life. And it reigns over every part of yours when you’re obedient and let Him.
I quit fighting the fight that said, “You will never measure up,” and replaced lies with truth.
I quit fighting the fight that said, “I’m fearful of the future,” and lived confidently in Christ.
I quit fighting the fight that said, “I can do things my way,” and submitted my ways to God.
Freedom comes when we walk away from the things that rob us of our peace and steal our joy. I’m not going to let either of those things be stolen from me anymore.
The past I look at and find pain in is also the past God uses to grow me and strengthen me. He uses those circumstances to place me where He needs me to be used by Him in ways only He could know. There is no future without a past and God uses us in both.
I know truth. I walk in peace. I have joy. And I fight my fights with Jesus, fully surrendered to Him.
God is always working on things I can’t see with a timeline I don’t understand. It’s sometimes hard to understand the way He’s working. I’m thankful for a God who knows more than I do and protects me from things I think I want; but He knows I don’t need.
So, this semester, I am choosing to let go of the anxiety and hurt that chained me to my past. I’m walking freely with a peace I know comes from obedience to following God and knowing His ways are better than my own.
I choose to be free.
One Comment
Karan Wingate
Oh, Ashtyn!!! You are so loved, not only by me, but by our Father. I know how proud I am of you and I know He is proud of you most of all. I’m not sure how you come up with these beautiful words, but I have an idea.